Honesty With God

Photo from sxc.hu

My pastor, Todd, has one of the most real and warm relationships with God that I have ever seen. For Him, God is not "just" the Creator of the Universe, the Maker of Mankind, the Giver of Law and Grace and Mercy--He's Dad.  Todd's language is full of references to Dad being happy when His kids are happy, proud when His kids do well, hurting when His kids suffer, and how eager Dad and our Big Brother Jesus are to see us in The Family Business, the Kingdom of God.

Being in Todd's congregation has been really good for me. I know in my mind that God is love, God is merciful, God loves us, and me specifically. But I still have a deep-seated view of God as someone to cower before rather than someone to protect me from the monster in the closet.

We learn about God through our own family experiences. My father loved me dearly, but we were never close in my memory. He died when I was a teen, so I never got to interact with him as an adult. My mother and I were as close to estranged as you can get and live under the same roof, and she died six years after my father. Missing out on close relationships with my family not only left me lonely, but severely affected my relationship with God. Family was rarely a place to have fun, so my prayers and thoughts about God were usually very serious. I never felt safe revealing weaknesses, so until recently I spent most of time in prayer explaining to God why I was doing the best I could and listing extenuating circumstances for the things in my life that were wrong. I rarely asked for help, and then did it without much hope I would be answered--not because I didn't believe in God, but because I assumed He was disappointed in me when I messed up.

Recently I have begun to rethink these positions. Todd's frequent references to God's longing to hug us and welcome us into His Kingdom have me testing the waters. Sometimes now I start my prayer with "Dad" in the place of the formal "Heavenly Father." I've begun to open up about my failings. "Dad, I yelled at someone in traffic today. By the time I thought about it being wrong, it was too late. I'm sorry. I don't know how to change it."

"Dad, I've got a big business decision to make. Here's what I want to do. What do you think?"

"Dad, I miss my family, and I really miss the closeness I wanted and long for that feeling of being safe and warm in a group. Please show me how to have that."

I've also tried to get better at praising and thanking. My thanks are sometimes more obsequious than humble. I wonder if God feels like some Eastern emperor whose subjects feel bound by protocol to say rote, overwrought, flowery praises. The words may be correct, but in the past my thanks and praise had a "thank you for this--you're amazing and great--please don't hurt me" quality. If you have ever had a child or animal cower in front of you because they have been hurt in the past, you know that this kind of communication does not make you feel warm and fuzzy--it just makes you sad. 

So I've tried to be better. "Father, what an neat color You made the sky today--I really like the purple around the edges." 

"Dad, thank You for letting my find that $5 bill when I cleaned out the closet. It made me enjoy the cleaning a lot more!"

"I'm so amazed that You came up with tomatoes. They're the perfect food!"

Once I started trying to be really honest and open and vulnerable with God, I found more things to talk about. And I learned to feel safe.

"Dad, You know Your children suffer with sickness. Please heal them. Please help me to understand if You do not heal them right away, and especially help them to understand. Please show me if there is anything I could be doing to help them."

"Father, I know that You are letting the world have free will, and that bad things happen when men take it on themselves to decide right from wrong. But they feel so lost. How do You stand knowing about every child that is hurting? Do You cry? Why don't you stop it now?"

One of my fundamental beliefs is God is in charge. He is in control, and has the right to make whatever decisions He wishes, because He wants the ultimate best for us. One day Jesus will bring His Kingdom to this earth, and pain and war and sin will be eradicated from the world, leaving only peace and joy and happiness. I never knew what to do with the emotion of doubt. How to handle the injustices  on earth and the desire to stop them, and feeling sometimes that God wasn't fair to allow them. Now I always try to take those concerns to God, just as I would take concerns with close friends to them instead of stewing in my discontent or talking about them behind their back. God knows my thoughts, and He loves me. Talking to Him about the things I don't understand is the best way to come to peace and understanding.

"Dad, I want children to stop being hungry. I want animals to stop being abused. I want people of all colors to get along. I want you to step in and make it happen. But I know you don't always--at least not right now. I believe you will someday. Please help me to be the example of your way, and when you give me the chance to act as your agent to do some of these good things. But please also give me the faith to trust that You see what I see, and more. Remind me that suffering makes you more upset than it does me, because you love human beings more than I ever could. Give me faith in your timing and your justice."

Since I began focusing on being honest with God, I have felt much of my anxiety about life melt away. I no longer feel I'm hiding my faults from God, but bringing them to Him. Like a trusted friend or mentor, I know He will see the sin, love me, and show me how to improve so that I can be more happy and can share His love more fully with others.